Dare I say it? Has the tide begun to change? Has all the conservative pushing, whining, and outright demanding actually made a difference with the administration? Here’s a look at some of the good news that I’m talking about:

Remember those “tax cuts for the rich”? Well in a PERFECT example of Reaganomics, the government has now officially received higher tax revenues than before any of the tax cuts…that’s right, just like we’ve been saying forever: “The Rich” in this instance really means “The Producers”. These are the folks that make the most investments in capital, industry, and are most likely to infuse their saved money back into the economy thus spurring growth and the resurgence of our economy that is based on true capitalism and progress rather than a dot-com imaginary creation of a great economy. This completely ignores the principle theory concerning taxes: The largest way that the government restricts your freedom is by confiscating your hard earned money. I have worked in my uncle’s pharmacy for a year now and the stuff that I’ve seen is enough to make any hard working American’s blood boil. Our money that we’ve earned is being redistributed to those “in need” of their life or death medications such as…Viagra. Yes, Medicare/Medicaid pays for Viagra. That means that part of that 1/3 of your work day that goes to the government is going to make sure that Bubba Softy can “get it up” for the missus on the weekend. But I digress…The point was that taxes have been lowered and predictably this has grown the economy and therefore proven to put more money into the treasury. I made this argument in a guest columnist piece a little more than 2 years ago in NC State's campus newspaper The Technician. Basically stating the same thing that I'm saying now. Bush's tax cuts will not "break the bank" or "just benefit the rich", but in fact after they begin to work they will increase the "bank", therefore benefiting everyone and especially the "poor" who rely on government programs to get by...or afford the leather interior package for their new Hummer. Anyway, I must confess that I feel a bit smug having been proven 100% correct in less than 2 years. The country's deficit is still ridiculously large...but, thanks to the stronger stream of revenue created by the flourishing economy which has been jumpstarted by the tax cuts, we are on track to cut the deficit in half by the end of President Bush's term.

“Bush Lied, Kids Died” The classic bumper-sticker mantra of the Democratic Party has suffered yet another setback: The Truth. This week we learned that we have discovered over 500 weapons of mass destruction buried in bunkers in the desert. These weapons were pre-1993 and remained from when Saddam Hussein (that cute little dictator that the Koom-by-yah Give-Peace-A-Chance hippies love to defend and so longingly wish was still in power) gassed 200,000 of his own people. Now granted these people were of a different ethnicity than Saddam who using a racial slur referred to them as “swamp people”…In the US certain liberal race-baiting elites practically have a conniption if airport screeners choose the arab looking guy holding a large suitcase over the white 92 year old grandmother sitting in her wheelchair, for a private inspection. But when Saddam burns the lungs out of women and children based on their race, it’s apparently not worth fighting to get rid of. Saddam also attacked one of the left’s most sacred and holy entities: the environment. Yup, in the process of trying to rid those pesky “swamp people” out of their homes, Saddam drained the region of all its water and destroyed the ecosystem which sustained this large racial group…So Joan Baez sits up in a tree to keep a private developer from replacing a “communal garden” that had been paying zero rent to put out hippy-grown squash, with some type of job-creating development and it’s a brave stand against those nasty earth-hating Republicans. However, when Saddam destroys an entire region and who knows how many species; the liberals barely blink an eye. OOOPS!!! I’ve gotten off on another tangent here. The MAIN POINT IS THIS: We’ve found the biological and chemical weapons of mass destruction that Saddam and the liberals (isn’t funny how often Saddam and Democrats say the exact same things?) claimed never existed. These were, without a doubt, part of the reason that Saddam kicked out the UN Weapons Inspectors, even though he gave his double-promise, hand on heart, spit shake, oath that there were no such WMDs. Clinton knew he had them, Janet Reno knew he had them, John Kerry knew he had them, but when Bush does something about it, they begin swearing that Saddam handed all of WMDs over and repented and that they have been hoodwinked by a war-mongering lying Bush. The line now is that "well these are all so old and they're already degraded"...Ummm, just for another point of "fact" (also a word liberals hate) Sarin gas doesn't really degrade. But that's beside the point. He wasn't supposed to have ANY of these weapons, right? According to Saddam and the Democrats, there were NO, NONE, ZIPPO, NILL, ZERO biological and chemical weapons of mass destruction. So if he had these that he put a huge amount of effort into concealing, then doesn't it stand to reason that we just might (ok, PROBABLY WILL) find more of them hidden elsewhere? And doesn't it also stand to reason that if he was hiding things from the UN Weapons Inspectors, that he also might be still seeking to add to his arsenal? *Sigh* Pesky news like this is kind of like the mosquitoes buzzing in the left's ear saying, "You are wrong. Bush was right. Just admit it and move on." And just like the mosquitoe, the left smacks it away and goes right on printing up those stupid bumper stickers.

Illegal immigration is actually slowing some! Now don’t get me wrong, it’s still a HUGE, HUGE problem, but in an effort to stay optimistic and positive: there has been some progress. The National Guard on the border has decreased the steady flow of invaders by about 30%.

Tony Snow is a great, great man. The new press secretary is a brilliant journalist for Fox News until he was asked by the administration to take over the exiting Scott Mclelan’s job as the White House Press Secretary. This job certainly seems to have a high turn over rate, and who can blame them? With reporters from the New York Times, LA Times, and the rest of the liberal media constantly degrading and attacking the president and his spokesman I can’t imagine staying so calm and rational when all you want to do is wring their little pinheaded necks. I liked Ari Fleisher pretty well. I NEVER liked Scott McLelan. He had no sense of humor, no emotion, no fire, and the personality of a piece of cheese. Now like I said, he had an awful job that was incredibly difficult, but still...Anyway, Tony Snow is a grrrrreat replacement. He is incredibly articulate, even tempered but still passionate, intelligent but not pretentious, and a lot more statesman like that Scott was. I think he is much more capable of conveying the president's plans, goals, and achievments. Good things ahead!

And what a great thing for Mr. Snow to announce: Al Zar-Cow-ee is DEAD. DEAD! Pass out the party hats and let’s celebrate another great victory for the War on Terror…or if you’re a Democrat drag out your sackcloth and ashes and go back into mourning just like when Saddam was drug out of his rat hole. It’s really quite humorous listening to the Democrats choking on their words when they admit that killing this murdering thug is a good thing. This is the guy, by the way, who chopped off Nick Berg’s head on film to show The Infidels what will happen to them if they continue trying to rid the region of his kind. The leader of the Taliban in Iraq…wait! I thought that Iraq and Afghanistan were completely unrelated! I thought Bush just invaded to finish off the job that his daddy started! Riiiiiight, take off the blinders: Saddam supported Al-Queda, hosted meetings and strategy sessions, and gave money to the families of those who died bombing The Infidels (IE, Christians and Jews, Republicans, women, children, or whoever happened to be in the deli, school, market, bus, or other public area where the bomber lit the fuse. ANYWAY, another member of AlQueda, another terrorist, another sick Islamic Jihadist is dead and we are all safer because of it.
The fallout from the killing of Zar-Cow-ee is more than just sad expressions on Democrat faces, it also has given us extraordinary information about the enemy’s plans, the location of key fighters, and its secret hideouts. Now our boys are on the offensive rounding up these dirt bags and putting them in a war-prison.

So all in all, things ARE looking up. I have been extremely, EXTREMELY disappointed with Bush in the past year. Harriet Meyers? The immigration policy (or lack thereof)? More spending (meaning MORE government)? Another entitlement program to provide Grandpa Getsum with an adequate supply of Viagra, Nexium for the upset stomache you get from looking at a 75 year old naked, and Valium to put him to sleep when he hops off the ride and has to sleep. Yup, Medicare/Medicaid pays for Viagra, Cialis, and Levitra… Not good Mr. Bush, not good. I’m working 8 hours a day and as of now the government is taking about 1/3 to 1/4 of my salary. That basically means that every day as I work from 8Am to 10:30, I’m paying for some old fart (or some addict who can’t get it up because he’s got 13 Vicodin floating through his veins) to get more action than I am.

But the weather is changing. It’s looking brighter: It’s gone from “Mostly Cloudy” to “Partly Sunny.” Let’s hope the sun keeps shining and heating up Al Gore’s temper and Howard Dean’s vocal cords. Please just one more growl from Al and a scream from Dean, that would make Bush’s recovery complete....

EEEEEEEEEEEEYAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!

Dare I say it? Has the tide begun to change? Has all the conservative pushing, whining, and outright demanding actually made a difference with the administration? Here’s a look at some of the good news that I’m talking about:

Remember those “tax cuts for the rich”? Well in a PERFECT example of Reaganomics, the government has now officially received higher tax revenues than before any of the tax cuts…that’s right, just like we’ve been saying forever: “The Rich” in this instance really means “The Producers”. These are the folks that make the most investments in capital, industry, and are most likely to infuse their saved money back into the economy thus spurring growth and the resurgence of our economy that is based on true capitalism and progress rather than a dot-com imaginary creation of a great economy. This completely ignores the principle theory concerning taxes: The largest way that the government restricts your freedom is by confiscating your hard earned money. I have worked in my uncle’s pharmacy for a year now and the stuff that I’ve seen is enough to make any hard working American’s blood boil. Our money that we’ve earned is being redistributed to those “in need” of their life or death medications such as…Viagra. Yes, Medicare/Medicaid pays for Viagra. That means that part of that 1/3 of your work day that goes to the government is going to make sure that Bubba Softy can “get it up” for the missus on the weekend. But I digress…The point was that taxes have been lowered and predictably this has grown the economy and therefore proven to put more money into the treasury.
“Bush Lied, Kids Died” The classic bumper-sticker mantra of the Democratic Party has suffered yet another setback: The Truth. This week we learned that we have discovered over 500 weapons of mass destruction buried in bunkers in the desert. These weapons were pre-1993 and remained from when Saddam Hussein (that cute little dictator that the Koom-by-yah Give-Peace-A-Chance hippies love to defend and so longingly wish was still in power) gassed 200,000 of his own people. Now granted these people were of a different ethnicity than Saddam who using a racial slur referred to them as “swamp people”…In the US certain liberal race-baiting elites practically have a conniption if airport screeners choose the arab looking guy holding a large suitcase over the white 92 year old grandmother sitting in her wheelchair, for a private inspection. But when Saddam burns the lungs out of women and children based on their race, it’s apparently not worth fighting to get rid of. Saddam also attacked one of the left’s most sacred and holy entities: the environment. Yup, in the process of trying to rid those pesky “swamp people” out of their homes, Saddam drained the region of all its water and destroyed the ecosystem which sustained this large racial group…So Joan Baez sits up in a tree to keep a private developer from replacing a “communal garden” that had been paying zero rent to put out hippy-grown squash, with some type of job-creating development and it’s a brave stand against those nasty earth-hating Republicans. However, when Saddam destroys an entire region and who knows how many species; the liberals barely blink an eye. OOOPS!!! I’ve gotten off on another tangent here. The MAIN POINT IS THIS: We’ve found the biological and chemical weapons of mass destruction that Saddam and the liberals (isn’t funny how often Saddam and Democrats say the exact same things?) claimed never existed. These were, without a doubt, part of the reason that Saddam kicked out the UN Weapons Inspectors, even though he gave his double-promise, hand on heart, spit shake, oath that there were no such WMDs. Clinton knew he had them, Janet Reno knew he had them, John Kerry knew he had them, but when Bush does something about it, they begin swearing that Saddam handed all of WMDs over and repented and that they have been hoodwinked by a war-mongering lying Bush.
Illegal immigration is actually slowing some! Now don’t get me wrong, it’s still a HUGE, HUGE problem, but in an effort to stay optimistic and positive there has been some progress. The National Guard on the border has decreased the steady flow of invaders by about 30%.
Tony Snow is a great, great man. The new press secretary is a brilliant journalist for Fox News until he was asked by the administration to take over the exiting Scott Mclelan’s job as the White House Press Secretary. This job certainly seems to have a high turn over rate, and who can blame them? With reporters from the New York Times, LA Times, and the rest of the liberal media constantly degrading and attacking the president and his spokesman I can’t imagine staying so calm and rational when all you want to do is wring their little pinheaded necks.
And what a great thing for Mr. Snow to announce: Al Zar-Cow-ee is DEAD. DEAD! Pass out the party hats and let’s celebrate another great victory for the War on Terror…or if you’re a Democrat drag out your sackcloth and ashes and go back into mourning just like when Saddam was drug out of his rat hole. It’s really quite humorous listening to the Democrats choking on their words when they admit that killing this murdering thug is a good thing. This is the guy, by the way, who chopped off Nick Berg’s head on film to show The Infidels what will happen to them if they continue trying to rid the region of his kind. The leader of the Taliban in Iraq…wait! I thought that Iraq and Afghanistan were completely unrelated! I thought Bush just invaded to finish off the job that his daddy started! Riiiiiight, take off the blinders: Saddam supported Al-Queda, hosted meetings and strategy sessions, and gave money to the families of those who died bombing The Infidels (IE, Christians and Jews, Republicans, women, children, or whoever happened to be in the deli, school, market, bus, or other public area where the bomber lit the fuse. ANYWAY, another member of AlQueda, another terrorist, another sick Islamic Jihadist is dead and we are all safer because of it.
The fallout from the killing of Zar-Cow-ee is more than just sad expressions on Democrat faces, it also has given us extraordinary information about the enemy’s plans, the location of key fighters, and its secret hideouts. Now our boys are on the offensive rounding up these dirt bags and putting them in a war-prison.

So all in all, things ARE looking up. I have been extremely, EXTREMELY disappointed with Bush in the past year. Harriet Meyers? The immigration policy (or lack thereof)? More spending (meaning MORE government)? Another entitlement program to provide Grandpa Getsum with an adequate supply of Viagra, Nexium for the upset stomache you get from looking at a 75 year old naked, and Valium to put him to sleep when he hops off the ride and has to sleep. Not good Mr. Bush, not good. I’m working 8 hours a day and as of now the government is taking about 1/3 to 1/4 of my salary. That basically means that every day as I work from 8Am to 10:30, I’m paying for some old fart (or some addict who can’t get it up because he’s got 13 Vicodin floating through his veins) to get more action than I am.

But the weather is changing. It’s looking brighter: It’s gone from “Mostly Cloudy” to “Partly Sunny.” Let’s hope the sun keeps shining and heating up Al Gore’s temper and Howard Dean’s vocal cords. Please just one more growl from Al and a scream from Dean, that would make Bush’s recovery complete.

EEEEEEEEEEEEYAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!

Hal Makes A Lot of Scents

If you’ve been a regular reader of these columns you have probably noticed that I have a lot of time to think things through. It is during these moments of quiet ponder-ation, that I come to some of my best ideas and thoughts. So here’s the one I was thinking about today.

Walk towards the jewelry isle in any Belks, JC Penny, or Dillards and your nose will start to twitch and your eyes start to water. This could be because you are overcome by the sultrily dressed plastic people who stare at you disdainfully as if to say, “You will never look as good as me” as another happy couple walks by you hand in hand and that really good looking girl across the counter kind of looks down at the ground to avoid your awkward stare, and it tears you up inside cause you know they’re probably right and you will most likely die alone in a mansion on top of a hill with only your butler and 27 cats named after your ex-girlfriend…OR it could be because of the massive olfactory overload coming from the cologne and perfume section of the store.

Have you ever noticed just how many different kinds of this stuff there is! Geez, and some of them reach up to 60 dollars for 1.7 ounces…That’s more expensive than gold for the love of god. I’ve also seen ads for some type of pheromone cologne that promises you that women will fall smitten at your feet (It’s a lie! It smells more like a musky old boot walking through a field of rotting cabbage…I mean that’s what my friend told me it smelled like). ANYWAY, it seems silly to me that girls wear perfumes that only other girls can appreciate and like. I mean seriously, ask any guy if he likes what his girl is wearing and he’ll shrug his shoulders and say, “Meh, I dunno, yeah I guess.” That’s because he really just likes having something that smells better than his sad empty apartment that will let him get close enough to smell it. Ask a girl if she likes what a girl is wearing and you’ll get that classic, “Ohhh I looooove it! It smells so 1. fresh, 2. clean, 3. expensive.” So I was thinking of smells that actually would allure guys to girls and the other way around. Here are some of my ideas:

FOR GIRLS:
1) Campfire: The smell of a camp fire on a cool summer evening.
2) Leather: Now I know that some colognes are described as “leathery” along with another bunch of adjectives that could really only be smelled by the guy in marketing that wrote them. MY Leather would actually smell exactly like leather, bringing back thoughts of his old baseball glove, the interior of a really nice car, or the ass-less chaps he wore around his sad empty apartment last night…ok, maybe that one’s just me…
3) Steak: From this guy’s perspective, I would soooo much rather smell a nice thick steak sizzling on the grill than a “fresh”, “flowery”, “sensual” perfume. I mean if a girl smells like fresh red meat, I would be much more apt to want to hold, kiss, cuddle with her. Besides flowers give me allergies. So I say protein, not pollen! (That could be the slogan now that I think about it)
4) New Car Smell: Seriously. There is not a male in existence that doesn’t love that smell. For the eco-sissies we could have it smell like new soybean-carrot-fueled car. New Car is a scent that gets my motor purring….get it? Motor…cause it’s CAR scent…
FOR GUYS:
Ok, so this one is still a work in progress. Other than knowing that the pheromone thingy does NOT work, I really don’t know much about what attracts girls. However, scientifically women do have a stronger sense of smell. Probably an evolutionary instinct so they can smell dirty diapers quicker, know when the cookies are about done, or smell that other woman’s perfume on her boyfriend’s short even after he febreezed it. But, here’s some that I think might work:

1) Dishwater: We all know that women love being around the sink and doing dishes and such, so she would be naturally drawn to that scent on a guy. Ingenious if you ask me.
2) Clorox: One thing I do know is that girls love a guy that smells “clean”, well what is cleaner than something that has been Cloroxed. Do you have any idea how much bacteria and small insects that that stuff kills?
3) Chocolate: Girls love chocolate. Why not make some kind of non-dark brown spray that you could lather up on your body to smell like chocolate. Endorphins here we come! We’d just have to make sure that we included some kind of anti-stinging insect ingredient so you don’t get swarmed with honey bees, mosquitoes, or their ilk.
4) Tears: In my experience women love to make a man cry, it makes him appear sensitive and open, while she feels powerful and controlling. Lure her in with the smell of freshly spilt tears.

My basic point is that why do they always mix these various chemicals, spices, and oils to try to find an attractive scent while we already know what the different sexes like to smell? Why not to use these ingrained attractions to lure in the opposite sex. Instead it kind of seems like girls wear perfumes that girls like, and guys try to get a scent that they like while the basic point is to try to capture the opposite. Just a thought, well I’m going to go put some mink oil on my chaps, it makes them much softer and flexible and much more conducive to dancing.

Merry Christmas Tookie!

WARNING: This entry contains descriptions as horrific and violent as the man who committed them and as disgusting as the ignorant lemmings who weep for him today.


There was no “Silent Night” on that cold evening in 1979. There were no friends, no family members, no one there to comfort, no one there to hold a candlelight vigil for Alivn Owens as he lay on his face in the stock room of the 7-11 where he was working part time. The story of his last thoughts and prayers has never been published and nominated for a Nobel Prize like that of the towering figure who angrily placed the cold barrel of a sawed off shotgun at the base of Alvin’s skull and slowly pulled the trigger. Apparently, Alvin managed a last “gurgling” sound before all was quiet. We know this because that comedian Tookie did a chuckling impression of it to his accomplices as they left.

There was no group of protesters to hold hands in a circle and sing their support of the two Taiwanese immigrants the night their hotel room turned into a firing range. The words of this father, mother, and child will never be known. These “Buddaheads” (as Tookie affectionately labeled them) had come to America (legally too!) for a better life. That night their last images were not of their dreams coming true, they were nightmares as shotgun blasts left half of their young daughter’s head on the floor before they also fell to this assault weapon wielding gangbanger. If you are not familiar with the word “gangbanger” you could always go look it up in the handy glossary of his children’s books series “Tookie Speaks Out” as well as “homeboy”, “self-tripping”, “gangbanging”, and various other gang lingo. Not sure if “Buddahead” is in there or not.

This “compassionate”, “well-read”, “wise” criminal (as described by the liberal media) was the creator of the Crips gang which has claimed the lives or destroyed the lives of countless black youths, not to mention their victims. The whole gangster subculture which even today reeks havoc on the black community was begun by Tookie and his friends.

We are now told that he has been reformed. There has still been no apology to the families who have had empty seats at the table for 25 Christmases now. No denouncement of his crimes. Only some children books containing glossy images of various crimes that amount to a catalog of porn with articles about how bad porn is for you. Oh yes, this Noble Prize Nominee scholar managed to string some coherent sentences together while leaving out “Buddahead” and “MotherF***ers” (which he described the prosection upon his conviction as he threatened to murder them and their families as well…oh that jokestar Tookie, such a character!) in between the cable tv, weight lifting, basketball, and library time that you and I have provided for him the past 26.

After numerous appeals both legally and by Hollywood celebrities, the time finally arrived last night. The brothers, sisters, mothers, and fathers of those who have silently suffered (without fawning LA Times articles to express their stories) watched the coverage of thousands of caring, gentle, enlightened liberals chanted for mercy for this savage murderer. The ending of the show however was worth waiting for.
This morning that piece of human garbage was finally cleaned out of our society forever. Liberals sure pick some strange causes to champion. Between their endless whining about assault weapons (Tookie’s tool of choice), being loving and accepting of every non-white face that finds a way to cross our borders (minus the family that Tookie slaughtered), and pushing for entitlements for those struggling to make a living wage (minus Mr. Owen of course), they find time to put together these cute rallies and enough candles for every smiling participant they can fit in.
All you kind-hearted liberals will say that I am being too judgemental. I’m only using an emotional reaction to justify a savage human instinct. I should be more merciful and opened minded to your nuanced point of view… To you all I say, I will keep working to boost the progress of our society by removing those who wish to destroy it and you go ahead and keep holding hands of the family wrecking, bloodthirsty murderers and rapists (just be happy there is an iron bar between the two of you).
Merry Christmas to Tookie, and to all it’s been a good night.

Emu Education

I’m not sure if it’s my warped perspective or just all the extra time I have on my minds, but sometimes I just have questions that I really have no answers for and I really don’t know who to ask. Soooo…. I just thought I’d throw these out there and maybe somebody knows somebody whose cousin worked for this guy that knows the answer (which is probably similar to how John Kerry decided the answers to his questions). So here is the question that grabbed me today. (This was the second time I was grabbed, but there’s no need to mention my sexual escapades in this post *puffed up chest*)

1. At the pharmacy, and at several others, they sell this product that is similar to like Bengay (no, not recently…BAHAHA), it’s called “Heat Activated Emu Oil Sore Muscle Cream”. So my question is how do they get that Emu Oil? Do they like milk the Emus? Which begs the question, how do you get an Emu to stand still long enough to milk it? Perhaps that’s not the method though. Maybe there’s some kind of Emu Blender and you toss one in the blender and then boil it and the oil comes to the top and you can skim it off. Any ideas?


2. Why exactly do I need Emu Oil in my ‘sore muscle cream’ anyway? I had never really considered Emus to be especially useful animals, so who was it exactly that discovered that Emu Oil helps sore muscles? I mean really, how random is that? Maybe someone was doing the artificial insemination (like with cows?) and while his/her arm was up there, he or she was like,

“Wow! Hey Ed. Come here a minute. You know how I had been talking about going to the doctor for my Carpal Tunnel Syndrome? Well I swear it don’t feel just about 100% better now! So tingly and soothing. Hey, hand me that (either milk pail or blender) we’re gonna be rich!”

Just lemme know if you can offer suggestions! Thanks!

A Tribute and Some Tears

It's about 7:40am. Today just didn't taste right from the very start. Of course I knew it wouldn't. I went to bed with that sad taste already in my mouth. You know, when you can feel the clouds in the back of your head but you push them aside for the time being, but know that they will bring the rain. Well even though it's bright and clear outside, my heart is raining.

Today he would have been 24. The day when he could always brag that he was now 2 years older than me. The day when we'd put those silly cone birthday hats on, and shake all his presents to figure out what he'd (we'd) be getting. Lassie and Nipper or both would also be forced to don the hats and for a brief time they'd be allowed inside.

There will be no party today. There will be a absence at the table. There is a hole, an emptiness that will not be filled. If you are reading this today, please take this minute and say a prayer for Aunt Mary, Uncle John, Sussanah, and the rest of our family. I promise, they will be needed.

I wrote this in the days following the news that he had passed on. I had struggled whether I should share it with anyone but family. I decided that this would be my tribute, my way of giving special notice to this day. Maybe they have the internet in Heaven, and if they do I hope you know that I'm thinking about you. That I'm missing you. That I still get that sharp pain every now and then. I love you, and I'll see you soon, but not soon enough.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

For Wesley John Sides IV

**11/18/81 -- 3/05**

We were Mustang wild and Carolina crazy,
Tearing down a backwoods trail with six guns blazing.
Ten feet up in a chestnut tree,
We dreamed about all the things we’d be.
We were astronauts and real crime fighters,
With three cherry bombs and an old Bic lighter.
We hated girls, but we didn’t know why,
And even the biggest scrape couldn’t make us cry.
I wish I had some of that courage now, cause I’m not feeling very brave.
This time the cut’s much deeper and I can’t find a smile to save.

But if they’ve got horsepower in heaven,
I bet you’re spinning tires on the streets of gold.
And if they’ve got any good creeks up there,
Then save me a spot beside the best fishing hole.
Wait for me in arms of angels; I’ll be there as soon as I can.
I’ve got some more work to do; now I’ve got to be twice the man.

We were race car drivers except ours had three wheels.
We took daddy’s Buick and wound up in one of Mamaw’s fields.
You just never listened to the rules we were told,
They said you had a wild streak but I saw a heart of gold.
We’d ignore about half of what our parents said,
But at Bible School you still said sorry and bowed your head.
I can still taste Cheese-Puffs and Kool-Aid,
And a thousand other memories that we made.
I still hear the hymns we sang side by side on Sunday night.
And you know I’d still be beside you no matter how big the fight.
Been through thick and thin, thought it would always be that way.
This time I’m facing it alone, wondering why you couldn’t stay.

I know there’s no tears in heaven, but we shed our share that day.
The air was bitter cold, spitting snowflakes from a sky of dark gray.
This was not how I wanted to say my last goodbye,
Bent over a wooden box, just trying not to cry.
Picked a piece of fuzz off my jacket that you were wearing,
Tried to procure some peace from this last moment we’re sharing.
I promised to look after the ones you’ve left,
Who’ve lost so much to death’s cruel theft.
A weeping father, one brave sister, and a loving mother,
And I thought of how I’m losing my only brother.

The headlights lined up and crept out a little after five:
The hardest 6 miles I’ve ever had to drive.
Past that winding driveway where we lost our training wheels,
Past the shop where we shaved our heads to see how it would feel.
Past the station where we’d get jerky and a Mountain Dew.
Past the creek we’d fish until daylight was through.



Silently it ended beneath the last hill we’ll climb together,
The wind was icy and raw, ready to clamp down and close this chapter forever.
But as I stood staring tearfully over the trees, I suddenly felt bolder,
I thought that I felt two strong arms and a full head of red on my shoulder.
I smiled just a little and thought about that wind,
How surely one day surely it will bring us together again.

The Return to Raleigh (Part 1)

Welcome to the weekend. You’ve worked all week, doing the 9 to 5 so you can still participate in the game of Life. Now you’ve earned yourself two days to do as you want.

I can’t think of a more sadistic way to spend it than taking those 48 hours and devoting 8 hours to driving interstate 40, 18 hours to LSAT classes which last from 8am-9am, and about 12 hours to sleeping. Take away about 4 hours to eat the 6 meals for the two days, and I wind up with about 6 hours to get the rest, relaxation, and recharge needed for the next week…Yay for weekends.

Am getting to see the old Raleigh Folks. And Raleigh Folks if you’re reading this call me!!! 828-208-7717! My old cell phone broke and I didn’t get most of my numbers copied to my new phone. So don’t get mad if I haven’t called you.

It’s really weird being back here, that’s for sure. This is the first time I’ve been back in a long time. A lot of things have changed since then. Drastically changed. Yet the places look the same. The must be what the Stars think when they come out at night. Wow, the land looks the same, but what the F*** happened to that guy.

You know that song that we used to sing as kids? “God’s still working on me, to make me who I oughta be…” I guess periods in time like this is when you’ve built something onto your life that wasn’t in His plan of how it should shape out, so He gets the chisel out and breaks you back down to where you need to be. Well I really wish He’d finish, cause it’s hurting. A lot.

Well The Indian has requested more information about the two dates from last week…so here is a synopsis. I hope it doesn’t offend A or B.

Girl A:
Miles traveled: 106 miles.
Money Spent: $48 on food, $11 on parting gift, estimated $8 in gas = $67
Result: Planned on meeting in 4 doors. Called her cell phone, dorm phone, IM’ed, and E-mailed to inquire as to when/where….Recieved an email reply approximately 4 days after the suggested/planned/whatever meeting.
Conclusion: Yeah, probably not gonna work. Apparently she is not interested in dating me. That being just about the only criteria needed to be filled in order for me to date, we have a miserable failure.

Girl B:
Miles Traveled: 136
Money Spent: $54 on food, $2 on cute ‘hello’ present, $9.31 in gas = $65.31
Result: Good meeting, good conversation, then I spilt my glass of ice water on my pants, freaked her out by showing her the guns I was working on (see previous post), and the evening ended with one of those one-armed half-hugs that kind of says “I realize that I’m obligated to make physical contact to complete this transaction of your time and your money for my enjoyment, but the more awkward and less actual touching that it involves the more I solidify the point that the awkward silences, blank stares, and continual typing on my cellphone have been trying to tell you for quite some time.”
Conclusion: *Beep beep* You have 1 New Message: You Lose. Or as she so succinctly put it, “You’re a really great guy. You’re so sweet. I just don’t ever see us being more than friends.” Upon consulting Webster’s Let-You-Down Dictionary, I have translated the message to this, “I can tell that a lot of people probably think you are a great guy, I’m just not seeing it for myself. You seem sweet, in a kind of “awww, look at that Mama Bird regurgitating into its baby’s mouth. Isn’t that sweet?” way. I just don’t look for that in a date. I just don’t ever see me being in a place where I would have low enough standards to need you around.”

So there you go Ben. I have bared my soul to cyberspace. I’ve dropped trousers on my heart. All in all, it was two dates that I spent too much money on and felt like I had not accomplished anything for myself or for either of the girls. It probably took me a step back actually. Getting your hopes up for something, inevitably leads to disappointment, and I understand that. But getting your hopes up for something that other people just take completely for granted and having to pay to lose, is real disappointment.

Not quite sure what I’m doing now. I’m done chasing, that’s for sure. If one happens to run me off the road somewhere between work, my house, and the video store, then by all means I might give it another try. If one were to offer some encouragement with some real evidence behind it, then maybe I’d build up enough Hope capital to be proactive again. But my Hope meter is laying dead on the red F. I don’t really even care anymore…yeah I know I’m lying. I’m trying to sound callous and macho. Just play along.

Goodnight