Hal Makes A Lot of Scents
If you’ve been a regular reader of these columns you have probably noticed that I have a lot of time to think things through. It is during these moments of quiet ponder-ation, that I come to some of my best ideas and thoughts. So here’s the one I was thinking about today.
Walk towards the jewelry isle in any Belks, JC Penny, or Dillards and your nose will start to twitch and your eyes start to water. This could be because you are overcome by the sultrily dressed plastic people who stare at you disdainfully as if to say, “You will never look as good as me” as another happy couple walks by you hand in hand and that really good looking girl across the counter kind of looks down at the ground to avoid your awkward stare, and it tears you up inside cause you know they’re probably right and you will most likely die alone in a mansion on top of a hill with only your butler and 27 cats named after your ex-girlfriend…OR it could be because of the massive olfactory overload coming from the cologne and perfume section of the store.
Have you ever noticed just how many different kinds of this stuff there is! Geez, and some of them reach up to 60 dollars for 1.7 ounces…That’s more expensive than gold for the love of god. I’ve also seen ads for some type of pheromone cologne that promises you that women will fall smitten at your feet (It’s a lie! It smells more like a musky old boot walking through a field of rotting cabbage…I mean that’s what my friend told me it smelled like). ANYWAY, it seems silly to me that girls wear perfumes that only other girls can appreciate and like. I mean seriously, ask any guy if he likes what his girl is wearing and he’ll shrug his shoulders and say, “Meh, I dunno, yeah I guess.” That’s because he really just likes having something that smells better than his sad empty apartment that will let him get close enough to smell it. Ask a girl if she likes what a girl is wearing and you’ll get that classic, “Ohhh I looooove it! It smells so 1. fresh, 2. clean, 3. expensive.” So I was thinking of smells that actually would allure guys to girls and the other way around. Here are some of my ideas:
FOR GIRLS:
1) Campfire: The smell of a camp fire on a cool summer evening.
2) Leather: Now I know that some colognes are described as “leathery” along with another bunch of adjectives that could really only be smelled by the guy in marketing that wrote them. MY Leather would actually smell exactly like leather, bringing back thoughts of his old baseball glove, the interior of a really nice car, or the ass-less chaps he wore around his sad empty apartment last night…ok, maybe that one’s just me…
3) Steak: From this guy’s perspective, I would soooo much rather smell a nice thick steak sizzling on the grill than a “fresh”, “flowery”, “sensual” perfume. I mean if a girl smells like fresh red meat, I would be much more apt to want to hold, kiss, cuddle with her. Besides flowers give me allergies. So I say protein, not pollen! (That could be the slogan now that I think about it)
4) New Car Smell: Seriously. There is not a male in existence that doesn’t love that smell. For the eco-sissies we could have it smell like new soybean-carrot-fueled car. New Car is a scent that gets my motor purring….get it? Motor…cause it’s CAR scent…
FOR GUYS:
Ok, so this one is still a work in progress. Other than knowing that the pheromone thingy does NOT work, I really don’t know much about what attracts girls. However, scientifically women do have a stronger sense of smell. Probably an evolutionary instinct so they can smell dirty diapers quicker, know when the cookies are about done, or smell that other woman’s perfume on her boyfriend’s short even after he febreezed it. But, here’s some that I think might work:
1) Dishwater: We all know that women love being around the sink and doing dishes and such, so she would be naturally drawn to that scent on a guy. Ingenious if you ask me.
2) Clorox: One thing I do know is that girls love a guy that smells “clean”, well what is cleaner than something that has been Cloroxed. Do you have any idea how much bacteria and small insects that that stuff kills?
3) Chocolate: Girls love chocolate. Why not make some kind of non-dark brown spray that you could lather up on your body to smell like chocolate. Endorphins here we come! We’d just have to make sure that we included some kind of anti-stinging insect ingredient so you don’t get swarmed with honey bees, mosquitoes, or their ilk.
4) Tears: In my experience women love to make a man cry, it makes him appear sensitive and open, while she feels powerful and controlling. Lure her in with the smell of freshly spilt tears.
My basic point is that why do they always mix these various chemicals, spices, and oils to try to find an attractive scent while we already know what the different sexes like to smell? Why not to use these ingrained attractions to lure in the opposite sex. Instead it kind of seems like girls wear perfumes that girls like, and guys try to get a scent that they like while the basic point is to try to capture the opposite. Just a thought, well I’m going to go put some mink oil on my chaps, it makes them much softer and flexible and much more conducive to dancing.
Walk towards the jewelry isle in any Belks, JC Penny, or Dillards and your nose will start to twitch and your eyes start to water. This could be because you are overcome by the sultrily dressed plastic people who stare at you disdainfully as if to say, “You will never look as good as me” as another happy couple walks by you hand in hand and that really good looking girl across the counter kind of looks down at the ground to avoid your awkward stare, and it tears you up inside cause you know they’re probably right and you will most likely die alone in a mansion on top of a hill with only your butler and 27 cats named after your ex-girlfriend…OR it could be because of the massive olfactory overload coming from the cologne and perfume section of the store.
Have you ever noticed just how many different kinds of this stuff there is! Geez, and some of them reach up to 60 dollars for 1.7 ounces…That’s more expensive than gold for the love of god. I’ve also seen ads for some type of pheromone cologne that promises you that women will fall smitten at your feet (It’s a lie! It smells more like a musky old boot walking through a field of rotting cabbage…I mean that’s what my friend told me it smelled like). ANYWAY, it seems silly to me that girls wear perfumes that only other girls can appreciate and like. I mean seriously, ask any guy if he likes what his girl is wearing and he’ll shrug his shoulders and say, “Meh, I dunno, yeah I guess.” That’s because he really just likes having something that smells better than his sad empty apartment that will let him get close enough to smell it. Ask a girl if she likes what a girl is wearing and you’ll get that classic, “Ohhh I looooove it! It smells so 1. fresh, 2. clean, 3. expensive.” So I was thinking of smells that actually would allure guys to girls and the other way around. Here are some of my ideas:
FOR GIRLS:
1) Campfire: The smell of a camp fire on a cool summer evening.
2) Leather: Now I know that some colognes are described as “leathery” along with another bunch of adjectives that could really only be smelled by the guy in marketing that wrote them. MY Leather would actually smell exactly like leather, bringing back thoughts of his old baseball glove, the interior of a really nice car, or the ass-less chaps he wore around his sad empty apartment last night…ok, maybe that one’s just me…
3) Steak: From this guy’s perspective, I would soooo much rather smell a nice thick steak sizzling on the grill than a “fresh”, “flowery”, “sensual” perfume. I mean if a girl smells like fresh red meat, I would be much more apt to want to hold, kiss, cuddle with her. Besides flowers give me allergies. So I say protein, not pollen! (That could be the slogan now that I think about it)
4) New Car Smell: Seriously. There is not a male in existence that doesn’t love that smell. For the eco-sissies we could have it smell like new soybean-carrot-fueled car. New Car is a scent that gets my motor purring….get it? Motor…cause it’s CAR scent…
FOR GUYS:
Ok, so this one is still a work in progress. Other than knowing that the pheromone thingy does NOT work, I really don’t know much about what attracts girls. However, scientifically women do have a stronger sense of smell. Probably an evolutionary instinct so they can smell dirty diapers quicker, know when the cookies are about done, or smell that other woman’s perfume on her boyfriend’s short even after he febreezed it. But, here’s some that I think might work:
1) Dishwater: We all know that women love being around the sink and doing dishes and such, so she would be naturally drawn to that scent on a guy. Ingenious if you ask me.
2) Clorox: One thing I do know is that girls love a guy that smells “clean”, well what is cleaner than something that has been Cloroxed. Do you have any idea how much bacteria and small insects that that stuff kills?
3) Chocolate: Girls love chocolate. Why not make some kind of non-dark brown spray that you could lather up on your body to smell like chocolate. Endorphins here we come! We’d just have to make sure that we included some kind of anti-stinging insect ingredient so you don’t get swarmed with honey bees, mosquitoes, or their ilk.
4) Tears: In my experience women love to make a man cry, it makes him appear sensitive and open, while she feels powerful and controlling. Lure her in with the smell of freshly spilt tears.
My basic point is that why do they always mix these various chemicals, spices, and oils to try to find an attractive scent while we already know what the different sexes like to smell? Why not to use these ingrained attractions to lure in the opposite sex. Instead it kind of seems like girls wear perfumes that girls like, and guys try to get a scent that they like while the basic point is to try to capture the opposite. Just a thought, well I’m going to go put some mink oil on my chaps, it makes them much softer and flexible and much more conducive to dancing.
posted by Harold A. Lusk, Jr. | 11:21 AM
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